The Fear of Loss
by ThisLadyWrites
Summary: Add-on to 5x11 "White Lies, part 1". Shandy.


**Loving the 3 part summer finale so far! So glad that we finally get some more insight into Sharon's life! It inspired me to write an add-on to White Lies part 1.**

 **This story is not beta read. You only have me to blame if you find mistakes ;)**

 **Thank you to everyone who keeps reading my stories and who keeps reviewing! You people are awesome :D**

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It was Provenza who told him that she had left for the day. Usually, when she went home without him, she would swing by his desk or at the very least text him. But he supposed he should not be surprised. There was nothing usual about this day, nothing usual about this case.

Chief Taylor was dead and so were four other people. One of them shot by Sharon. She had planted three bullets right into his chest, not missing her target once. She was one hell of a shot and he never had been more thankful for that than today. He did not even dare to imagine what could have happened to her if she had not pulled that trigger and if she had not been trained as well as she was.

Andy didn't spot her car as he pulled into the parking garage. She wasn't home yet. Any other day this wouldn't bother him or give him any cause of concern but it did today.

He reached for his phone and called her. It went straight to voicemail. He asked her to call him back, his voice gentle and quiet, not wanting to appear pushy or patronizing.

He had the urge to start his car again and go look for her - and he definitely would if she didn't get back soon - but he knew that she probably would not appreciate it. She had been completely withdrawn from him ever since the shooting. She had not let him touch her or ask her if she needed a break. She had almost ignored his presence. And even though he thought he knew why she was acting this way it hurt. He wanted her to lean onto him, to confide in him but instead she was pushing him away.

Rusty was in the kitchen when Andy entered the condo. The kid was preparing dinner. Something that rather surprised him.

"Hey!" Rusty said as he pulled out something from the fridge. "Is Sharon on her way too?"

"She'll probably be another while." He was not going to tell him that he didn't know where she was and when she would be back. There was no reason to scare the boy.

"Ok then we'll just reheat the food when she gets here."

Andy nodded. He knew she wouldn't be hungry. And neither was he. But they both would eat, for Rusty's sake.

It was over an hour later when Andy decided to go and look for her. Screw all this crap of "giving her space". He needed to see her, to see if she was ok.

However he did only get as far as to the elevator. She was standing right in front of him as the doors slid open. Her face pale and her hands were holding onto the straps of her purse tighter than usual.

"Hi." She was surprised to find him standing in the hallway.

For a second he couldn't say anything. He just looked at her as relief settled over him.

"Are you on your way out?" She asked. She was still in the elevator cab, trapped between the walls and his body.

"No. Not anymore...I was about to look for you."

"Oh." It only occurred to her now that she probably should have texted him that she was gonna be a while. But she had been so distracted by her thoughts, her sadness and guilt she simply had not thought about informing Andy about her whereabouts.

"I was worried." He said. No sign of reproach in his voice. He was just stating a fact. "I couldn't reach you."

"I'm sorry..." She said, meaning it. She had not meant for him to worry about her. "I had my phone off."

It was very unusual for her to switch off her phone. Not only because of work but especially because she liked to be reachable for her children at all times. For all three of them. They may all be grown up now but no week went by in which Ricky or Emily didn't call with some kind of problem they needed their mother's advice on. They were always gonna be her babies.

"Rusty made dinner."

"He did?" It was only now that she realized that she was still standing inside the elevator. She stepped past him, exiting the cab.

"Meat loaf and mashed potatoes."

A soft, tired smile lit up her face. Rusty had made her favorite comfort food. She loved that boy.

Dinner was a rather quiet affair. It was mainly Rusty talking. The boy tried to lighten the mood and she had indulged him. She didn't want him to worry any more than he already did.

Once they finished eating Rusty excused himself and went to his room to work on his vlog. It was mainly an excuse to get away from the two adults. There was a heavy, uneasy atmosphere surrounding both of them.

As the boy was gone Andy turned to Sharon wanting to take her hand and to ask her how she was, wanting to get her to talk to him but she did not give him the opportunity to do any of it. She got up from the table and told him she'd go and a take shower, something she had wanted to do ever since she had wiped away the splatters of blood that had ended up on her face during the shooting.

So he let her go, his eyes following her until she disappeared in her room.

She was still being distant. He had hoped that would change once they were away from work, once they were alone and she did not have to put on a mask of strength anymore. But so far this was not the case and it made him wonder what it meant for their realtionship.

He decided to check on her after she had not reappeared for almost an hour. He softly knocked on the bathroom door before he opened it with caution.

He found her sitting on the edge of the tub, wrapped in his green bath robe. She looked incredibly tiny in the garment.

"You have been in here for quite a while." He said as he sat down next to her.

"I didn't realize... I just wanted to sit down for a second. I guess I got lost in thoughts..."

"Care to share them?" It was a simple question, not a request in any way.

"I'm not quite sure they make much sense."

"Sharon, listen..." He took her hand, covering it with both of his. "... I want you to know that you can talk to me about anything. No matter if it makes sense or not, no matter how stupid you think it is. I will listen and I wont judge."

She startled when she felt his hands around hers and for a short moment she thought about freeing herself from his grip but she didn't. He made it hard for her to push him away. How was she supposed to keep him at a distance when he said things like that to her? When he gently touched her with his warm hands, holding onto her like he never wants to let go again.

Her reaction confused him, shocked him really. What was going on? Why did she startle when he touched her? Why was she feeling so uncomfortable being close to him?

"I know." Her voice thick and quiet. She cleared her throat before she continued. "I know you will listen... I know I can trust you."

"So what is it then?" He wanted to know. There was still no sign of impatience in his voice, no sign of reproach, just a lot of worry.

Sharon shook her head and closed her eyes for a second, trying to keep the tears at bay. It took her a few more moments before she finally was able to voice what had caused her to be so distant, so rejecting. "It could have been you." She whispered.

"What?" He didn't understand.

"Taylor. It could have been you." She repeated as a tear escaped her. "We almost ended up sitting next to each other in the court room, remember?"

Andy thought back and realized that she was right. Taylor had dropped down on the chair next to Sharon which she had actually reserved for him. She hadn't said anything though, it hadn't really been all that important at the time.

"Sharon, I'm ok."

"Yes. But just the thought of..." She broke off to gulp back a sob.

"Hey." His hand went to her cheek, softly caressing the damp skin. "Don't think about 'what if' scenarios. We lost Taylor... And it's terrible. But we are fine. You and me, we are ok."

She nodded, nuzzling her cheek into his palm. Talking to him felt like a heavy weight was lifted from her shoulders. She had not expected that, she had thought it would make it worse, she had thought opening up to him would make her even more vulnerable and therefore the thought of ever losing him would scare her even more. But instead it had calmed her down, it had made it easier to breath.

"After the shooting, after thinking about how it easily could have been either one of us with bullets in our chest, I realized that I love you... I mean I knew that before ... I have always meant it when I said it ... but today I understood how deep my feelings really are... And it is damn terrifying." She was finally looking at him, her big beautiful orbs concentrated just one him. "That's why I kept you at an arm's length. It was just easier for me to deal with the situation."

His other hand went up to her face as well, cupping her other cheek. He returned her gaze and bent down a little to softly kiss her lips. "I love you. More than I thought I was capable of loving. And I am terrified too. Like crazy... Love really is nothing for sissies."

Sharon snorted a laugh. A short one. For a moment she forgot about all the horrible things that were happening around them and just let go. The moment did not last very long though. The dread was back even before her laughter had died down.

She put her head on his shoulder, sighing. "I'm a horrible person."

"What the hell are you talking about?" He asked as he put his arm around her, pulling her close.

"I killed someone today... And all I'm really worried about is my boyfriend..."

"You saved many lives today." Andy clarified.

"Not Chief Taylor's... Or DDA Rosen's." Her voice was getting thick again. "And I took a mother's son away."

"There is no way you could have prevented any of it, Sharon... And Dwight's mother had lost him long before today."

"Last time I shot someone I felt horrible about it... I felt guilty for taking a human life. I don't feel any of that now, Andy."

"Dwight was a monster. He killed children, Sharon. He killed Chief Taylor. It is very hard to be anything but relieved that he is gone."

"He was still a human being."

"A despicable one." He pressed his lips to her hair.

"But human nonetheless." Her left hand gripped his and their fingers intertwined.

"You did the right thing." He whispered again. He knew that she was well aware of it but he still would keep repeating it until every part of her got the message.

"Lets go to bed, shall we?" He said.

"I wont be able to sleep. My thoughts are all over the place."

"Then we'll talk, distract you from your thoughts, until you fall asleep."

"It might take awhile."

"I have nowhere else to be."

Sharon nuzzled her nose into the crock of his neck as her hand squeezed his. She was glad he was here, thankful that he was so patient and understanding of her.

It had been a horrible day. They had lost one of their own and she had taken a life. None of them knew how much worse it would get but what they knew was that they had each other.

 _ **\- the end**_

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 **It wasn't really my intention but the story kinda turned a little fluffy in the end xD But I didn't think you'd mind ;) Thanks for reading! I'm super excited to watch White Lies part 2 as I've heard it will be very Sharon-centric! :D wooohoo! :D**


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